One habit has made the biggest difference to my happiness and productivity in the past 2+ years.
Summary:
Judgment as a habit from work, & why it matters
Forms of judgment we experience
Why we find it hard to break out of it, or to even want to break out of it
How to start letting go of this habit to be happier and more productive
My biggest worry when I started training in both psychology and coaching, was that I would be too judgy.
For both these professions, trust and psychological safety is needed for any result at all. My role is to explore assumptions, meaning-making, context, desires etc for clarity and action, without limiting others through my own experience.
This is fundamentally incompatible with looking at someone or something, and saying it’s “good”, “good enough” or “bad” (substitute with whatever value-laden adjective you’d like).
So addressing this worry meant undoing:
almost 15 years of mental shortcuts from evaluating proposals, companies and potential partners for fit
3 years of thought patterns formed through interviewing and recruiting founders and executives
3 years of evaluating pitch presentations
30 years of assessing myself based on social, academic, professional, personal markers
The second-biggest revelation,
was that it’s actually possible not to judge people, or actions. With practice, awareness, and a particular mindset, it became fairly easy over a year.
THE most surprising discovery was that this didn’t just make me an effective coach; it’s made my life in general much happier, saved me heaps of energy, and opened up possibilities in relationships, projects, partnerships.
So it’s something I keep in check consciously.
What’s harder to keep in check is judgment of myself.
There’s a difference between looking at both sides of something, and attaching a label: “good/bad”, “right/wrong”, “can/can’t”.
Those labels have connotations that lead to unnecessary unhappiness or self-flagellation. Ironically, we evolved this ability to judge so we could make quick decisions about survival and safety.
In the modern world, we often apply judgment for efficiency. That efficiency becomes a hindrance when we apply those same mental shortcuts out of habit, when they don’t add value.
Types of judgment
Others’ judgment:
real (voiced or not)
Imagined or pre-empted (what we assume others think)
Maybe a more useful lens instead is:
Which opinion adds value
Which opinion doesn’t matter
Our own judgment:
Of others
Of ourselves
Of circumstances or events
If you’re in the process of change, charting your own path, or building your own version of the future (it can be a company, societal change, community, ideal lifestyle) - being able to differentiate between judging and discerning is necessary to stay open to possibility, while recognising constraints.
Why it’s so hard to recognise
Usually that judging element stems from:
Internal dialogue, often automatic
“Should”: standards that come from somewhere
A familiar pattern of thought and behaviour, which we may be unaware of
A belief that judging makes us better - either better people, or better equipped
These are typically automatic and ingrained.
It’s hard to do much about something we’re not aware of, so paying attention to these signs will be the first step to shaking this habit.
Some ways to shake or toggle this habit
Honestly, it will probably be uncomfortable! Judging is reassuring, and familiar habits are always comfortable.
For some of us, judging is also a form of self-validation:
Put others down, lift yourself up. Lift others up, give yourself a direction to improve (often while feeling sh*tty about yourself).
But if you do want to be happier, save energy on worry, and perhaps be more productive, it’s worth a serious try.
One way to start is by asking yourself the following questions:
When judging others - what are we assuming or not seeing about their situation
When judging ourselves - where does this yardstick come from?
When judging circumstances or events - what story am I telling myself about consequences? How much of that do I know for sure?
“Should”: where are these standards and expectations coming from? Are they mine, or adopted from somewhere?
These other things also help, even if they feel strange or silly at first.
Accept and commit: Don’t get down on yourself for being judgy. You had a thought. Maybe you acted on it. It’s ok. What do you want to do now to make it better? What do you want to do instead in future?
Voice out an alternative that counterbalances your first impulse. Voicing it out is surprisingly effective - you’re balancing your internal mental habit with an externalised habit. (On this note, recognizing your attribution patterns help)
Little tests of assumptions: Once you’ve recognised your assumptions, check if they’re accurate.
Find people who tend to see the upside, or often have a different perspective. It helps to get out of your own head.
I’d really REALLY love to know how this works out, for those of you who are ready to try.
It’ll take a while with habits, but if you want to drop me an email journal this week, and every few weeks, here’s a format:
How your judge habit shows up (pick one or two ways)
Why you want to change this
What you’ve tried this week
What you’ll do next
I’m at Lin@deliberatehumans.com (:
And I’ll reply, even if it takes a few days.