Hey folks,
Earlier this week, I hit my morning alarm and was immediately met with two unwelcome updates:
Some folks had to pull out of a meeting on a project - to me, a somewhat critical meeting
Another project I’m pitching for turned out to have more competition than I thought, and I had a higher chance of being out of the running earlier than expected
Honestly, my first instinct was to hide under the covers and go back to sleep.
We know how we roll out of bed sets the tone for the rest of the day.
What surprised me was that somehow, within 2-3 minutes I had automatically shifted to what I could look forward to that day - gym, and Enneagram training. Even more surprising was that I’d actually been dragging my feet on both of these earlier in the week.
Bouncing back faster has taken months of practice and self-work, and I still slip back into frustration and a defeatist mindset.
Self-work often doesn’t feel satisfying unless there’s a specific or significant block standing in our way - which is why these incremental improvements can slip under the radar.
But what people don’t realize, is that progress isn’t about never falling into the patterns we don’t want. It’s actually about being able to shift out of those patterns faster, and lessen the impact that it has on us.
Two common sources of frustration and anxiety
One: Judgment of a situation or change as good or bad
Yes, there are some things that are 99.9999% “bad”, universally. But most things are in the grey zone. We don’t know if that dream job is really a dream. We don’t know if being called into the boss’s room really is bad news.
“Bad” often means “not according to plan”, which is where we mess with our own heads. Who said our own plan was the best? What time horizon was it for? How about others’ plans?
Two: The desire for control and certainty
Makes sense, since many of us plan carefully to optimise what we have, or to manage risk.
Plans provide clarity, structure and alignment. But so many things are out of our control that it’s often best to think of them as ideal situations, without expecting them to become reality.
Ultimately what we want to do is be able to operate in a space of possibility - to build tolerance for not knowing. For instance, the last couple weeks have been pretty stressful because I really wanted workshops to go well. Then I realized however carefully I planned and tweaked it (prep is still important!), I had no idea how participants would respond, and could only go with the flow.
5 micro-shifts to stop small setbacks from snowballing
If you find a spanner in your day, and especially your morning, here’s a sequence to stop it ruining any more of your mood and energy.
With practice, over time bouncing back will get easier.
Accept your reaction and label your emotion:
It’s normal to feel anxious about things going wrong or annoyed at someone else for their influence on your life. Acknowledge whatever bubbles up. Research also shows that simply naming emotions helps in managing them.
2. Consider alternative viewpoints:
We never know why someone cancelled last minute, or what tradeoffs or challenges they’re facing. Avoid assumptions about what you don’t know. We often create narratives to fill the gaps in that understanding someone else.
3. Recognize that there isn’t a 100% “better” or “right” view point:
Place the different perspectives on even footing. Whatever they’re thinking, or whatever you’re thinking, it’s shaped by your own background and values.
4. Reframe from “I have to” to “I get to”, based on what the new situation offers:
Maybe it wasn’t what you expect - but hey, something new might emerge. What might that be? Remaining curious without trying to control outcomes makes it easier to gather feedback, and make more informed decisions about how to react or respond in the future.
5. Shift your attention to something else you can anticipate, to save energy and move on:
What we pay attention to determines how we experience the world. Focusing on how reality has fallen short of expectations you’ll keep getting affected. Staying focused on areas where you can enjoy yourself, or feel more like yourself, helps with moving on from setbacks.
P.S. It takes practice, and can feel like extra work at the beginning, but it’s worth the lightness. I mentioned the effort needed to my partner, who chirpily replied “that’s why it’s deliberate joy, not easy joy”. (😑😑😑)
ETC
I’ve wanted to read more fiction but have found it harder at this stage of life, for time, stimulation and interest reasons. And patience.
Part of the joy of fiction is letting it unfold, rather than jumping to the conclusion. If you’re naturally impatient like me, this is good training - rather than constantly analyse or anticipate plot turns, fiction cultivates the ability to let things unfold in their own time, and at a slower pace than a condensed movie.
TLDR an enjoyable speculative book I recently finished is Recursion by Blake Crouch - the hook is great: fully formed memories of another life that never happened, that seem to be partially contagious to your family and social network? Hooked.
It drags on a little long but the audiobook reads like a movie, and is great distraction for longer jogs.
trigger warning it opens with a suicide, so please don’t pick this up if you’re not ready.
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