Several years ago, I made a decision not to have mediocre relationships.
Part of this was, as with many things, age and the season of life. I had more responsibilities, less time and energy, and wanted to spend what I did have on (family, friend, intimate, work) relationships which made life fuller, rather than those which left me feeling empty or consistently dissatisfied.
Mediocre relationships were those where:
I wasn’t able to be honest with the other person, or with myself
There was a pattern of negative emotions either before, during or after interactions, whether it was anxiety, reluctance, frustration, obligation or invasion
It was detracting from my quality of life rather than adding to it
Much of that mediocrity is within our control
Calling something mediocre sounds harsh, but this was a reflection of the connection with people, rather than the people themselves. Yet the solution wasn’t always pruning or curation, although being deliberate about who is in our lives, and to what extent, is important. It’s easy to just cut people out in an age of ghosting, but what made a genuine difference was being intentional about what I brought to each interaction.
Often we fall into particular patterns of interaction with specific people, and as we grow over the years and become different people, we don’t update those patterns or even our initial impressions of others. For instance, I realized my interactions with my parents were often dissatisfactory, because we maintained too much of a parent-child dynamic, when we were all now at very different stages of life. I had to step back and question how much of it was a genuine lack of psychological safety, versus my own lack of effort to engage them differently. Once I clarified that, it was clear how I had been contributing to this mediocrity by bringing my own outdated impressions to our conversations, or not raising questions and concerns with them the way I would with other elder adults. We can’t control how others respond, and it’s easy to blame others (which I often did, in my head), but we can control what we bring to each relationship and interaction.
Learning how to do that, however, is an ongoing journey. I’ve gone from a kid who literally wanted to be a cave-dwelling hermit, to 11 years of constantly meeting new people for work and loving it, to someone whose work depends on that very connection with others.
Spending half of a 7-year relationship long-distance (Covid border lockdowns, then supporting our individual pursuits in different countries) has also made me more mindful of the basic building blocks for stronger relationship.
There are four things I’ve consistently found are necessary for improving any relationship:
One: Show up, properly, consistently.
Two: Listen and be respectfully curious
Three: Knowing, communicating and respecting boundaries to avoid resentment
Four: Reciprocity in the above three elements.
I’ve distilled them below starting from the most basic, along with why they matter, and how to put them into action. I still need to remind myself everyday to practise these, but without a doubt they have made my life fuller and happier than any material gain or career milestone, and I enjoy the company I keep much more than before.
[I’ve broken this up into 4 parts over 4 issues to keep to a 5-minute self-imposed restriction for this newsletter.
One: Show up, properly, consistently.
It’s easy to underestimate how much this alone makes a difference. Showing up means honouring a commitment, honouring the time set aside for connection with another person, and simply being there, mentally and emotionally. This means giving your attention to that relationship or interaction.
This matters because the simple act of showing up builds trust through actions, not just words, and it tells people they matter. People want to know if they matter to you, and how much they can count on you, in the most basic way. Actually turning up when you say you will matters more than looking good, or how expensive the meal is. It doesn’t require grand gestures, or even small favours. Giving your time and attention means choosing to be, and be engaged in, the meal/call/meeting/game night rather than anything else at that point in time.
Putting it into action:
If you have said you will do something, or be somewhere, then follow through. Do what you said you will do, so that people know that this is what they can expect of you, and that this is what you expect of others.
If you can’t be mentally or emotionally present, because life does get in the way, (a) reschedule to a better time, give advance notice, and never ask to reschedule more than twice; or (b) be upfront and say - this is how much I can give right now; if you’re ok with that, I’d still love to have that call/meal/activity.
Quality over quantity: giving an hour of your attention is far better than three hours of being in the same room but not actually being present.
Find a common focus. Do something together or at least engage in the same thing, even if it’s passive (eating, watching a movie). Joint attention is an ability that develops from early childhood, and the basis of human communication as we continue to develop cognitively and socially.
When you are in the presence of others, put down your phone (we know this), and take a couple of deep breaths or physically shake off whatever was on your mind. Multi-tasking is a myth, except for certain kinds of repetitive or habitual tasks - what you’re actually doing is repeated attention-switching, which is both unproductive and cognitively burdensome. Time is something you cannot get back once you give. If you’re going to give it, then for your own sake do it well. If you do need to google something or reply that message, mention what you’re doing so people know you’re not being rude, and come back once you’re done and are able to give it your attention.
Action / Reflection
How satisfied are you with the relationships in your life? Are there patterns you recognize in the relationships where you’re constantly having negative or mediocre experiences?
How would you distinguish between a problem with the person, versus a problem with the relationship?
How much control are you giving up over the quality of your relationships? Conversely, are you happy with the amount of ownership you’re taking over the quality of your relationships?
Are you showing up consistently in the relationships you want to cultivate and deepen?
