I used to ask strangers in bars if they were happy.
And I did genuinely care, even if we’d just been introduced. I thought if I found enough people who said yes, I could spot a pattern and use it for myself and others.
But the looks and responses I got suggest that it wasn’t a normal thing to do. And then I didn’t have anything to say after that.
awkward silence.
Well, nothing new. In school, I got really good at looking through people - genuinely dreading seeing someone down the hall and not knowing if I should say hi first, or wait for them.
But then..
Little did I expect to spend 12 years in business development and partnerships, where facing clients and meeting new people turned out to be one of the most enjoyable aspects.
Nor did I expect to become a coach where truly seeing people, and even creating space for them, is crucial.
Looking back, perhaps what I really feared was rejection, through silence or being ignored.
Working in venture with startups cured that - rejection is all part of the process when you’re fundraising, or pitching a new brand and concept in a foreign market.
But years later, I still often feel awkward - I remember my abrupt 10-word self-introduction at a new company, and having to learn “so happy to be here, excited to work with you”. Or chatting with Aussies who always had a friendly word. There were times I’d literally respond with blank silence or start babbling.
I’m still a work in progress, but there has been some progress.
5 things that have helped me embrace this discomfort, and go easier on myself so I rebound from a low point faster:
1. Being rejected is a signal, not a personal slight.
I now see rejection as a form of feedback. It also frees me up to reject others, because I know I don’t mean it personally. We’re all trying to make the most of our limited time and resources.
2. Know your principles and stick to them.
Over time, people will know what you stand for, and it won’t matter that you’re not the smoothest talker. The ones who do hold similar values, will stick around.
3. Smile first: Stop ceding control.
Stop waiting for others to control the tone of interaction. Everything is a two-way street. You can set that tone too.
4. Try to leave people feeling better than when you found them.
There’s no need to be the most entertaining. Or to have a list of “good things to say”. Most people like being heard. Asking genuine questions helps you learn stuff. Being genuinely interested helps you listen to answers.
5. Everybody’s in their bubble. Most people are kind.
However awkward or rejected you feel, they’ll forget in a day or less. Everybody’s got bigger things on their plate than how you feel.
And whether most people are kind or not, it helps your own happiness to use that as a starting assumptions.
ETC
5 little things this week:
James Clear has released his own app to build Atomic Habits (free)
Labelling emotions helps manage them. This app helps you spot patterns and build emotional intelligence. It’s free, funded by donations.
Did you know Bumble, the dating and friendship app, now has 1-1 business networking? I just like that the purpose is so clear and minimises complicated grey territory.